The Rainbow Dreams

Anonymous Letter #5

Dear Mumma,
Kesi ho? I hope ke khush hogi.

Pyari mumma, mujhe malum hai ke mai achi nhi hun. Mai bhut buri beti hun. Yu to mai paida buri nhi hui thi, magar ab ban gyi. Mai beti buri hu, mai behen buri hu, mai insan buri hu, mai Musalman buri hu. Mai kisi chiz me achi nahi. Mai janti hun ke mai kabhi wo nahi ban sakungi jo aap chahti hai mai banu. Mai humesha fail rahungi. Mai kabhi achi insan, achi beti, achi behen, achi musalman nahi ban sakungi.
Magar aesa kyu hai mumma? Kisne banaya mujhe bura? Maine khud ne? Agar mai maan bhi lu, magar mai to buri beti 4 saal ki umar se hu na. Kya mujhme tab itni istetaa’at thi ke aapka dil dukhau? Aapko mayus kru? Nahi meri pyari mumma. Mujhe aapne bura banaya hai. Mujhe aapne choda tha. Kai saal pehle jab ek nanha sa raja aapki god me aaya tha. Uski khubsurti, uski pyari mithi awaz, us awaz ke samne meri pukar mand padh gyi thi. Tab se lekar aaj tak, is 19 saal ke arse me, maine bhut koshish ki, meri bholi mumma, ke mai achi banu. Ke mai pyari banu. Ke aap mujhe yad rakhe. Maine aapka sath diya. Aapke liye thapad, jute, chappal, belan sab khaye. Jab bhi daddy aap par hath uthate, wo Raja nahi aapko bachane aata tha, aapki ye nafarmaan beti ayi. Wo raja to chup jata tha. Wo rota tha, is dar se ke kahi usko bhi na mar padhe. Magar kya aapko ye yad hai, ma? Jab aap depression ke mare raat raat roti thi, kon tha aapke sarhaane? Aapka Raja tha? Ya ye nafarmaan beti thi? Aapko kab bhuk lagii hai mujhe pata hai, , aap kab roi. , kyu roi mai janti hun. Aap ki sathi pareshanio me mai thi aapke sath, aapke sare ideas me maine aapka sath diya, aapko support kiya. Magar aapko ye yad nhi hai.aap ko yad hai ke aapkr Raja beta ne aapka hath dabya, aapke raja beta ne pani pilaya , aapke raja beta ne aapko hospital lekar gya. Aapka Raja beshak acha hai, wo humesha se acha tha.isme uski koi ghalti nhi, wo acha tha kyuki use bhut behtreen aur bhut pyar krne wali maa mili.wo apni maa ki qadar krta hai, kyuki uski maa hamesha uske sath sath thi, uske supporter thi. Raja to mera bhi kuch hai na.raja se mujhe bhi muhabbat hai, dher sari muhabbat.magar Raja ko mujhse nhi hai, kyuki aapko kabhi nhi thi. Raja mujhe haqeer smjhta hai.kyuki aapne aur puri duniya ne mujhe haqeer samjha. Mujhe malum hai ke Raja ke liye aapki muhabbat ka izhaar krna assan hai, kyuki aapne humesha use apni muhabbat ka izhaar kiya hai. Mujhe ye bhi malum hai ke aapko mujhse kai shikayate hain, ke mai aapse muhabbat nahi krti.
Magar meri khubsurat si mumma, kya aapne kabhi mujhse yu pyar se baat ki? Kabhi yuhi call krdiya ke haal puchlen? Kabhi yuhi puch liya kya chalrha hai life me? Aap ne mujhe apna ghulaam samjha. Jis par farz hai ke aapki sari baat sunu. Jab aapka dil bhari ho to mai hi aapko pyar kru. Magar kya aapne kabhi ye kiya? Kya kabhi pucha ke tu ro rhi hai beta? Aapko to mai roti hui bhi nazar nhi aati na mumma. Maine aaj aapko dekha, kese aap pyar se apne Raja ki bachpan ki tasweer dekh kar ro rhi thi. Ke kitna pyara tha mera Raja. Kitna bhola tha mera Raja. Mujhe yad nhi aapne kab meri tasweer dekh kar ye kaha ke mai pyari hu. Mujhe yad to ye hai ke mai sughad nhi hun. Mai apni behen jesi nhi hun. Mai Raja jesi nhi hun. Meri suhani mumma, kya aap ye nhi janti?
MAI MAI HUN.
MUJHE BAS MAI REHNA HAI.
MUJHE NHI BANNA RAJA JESA.
MUJHE NHI BANNA BEHEN JESA.
MUJHE MAI BANNA THA.
Magar ab mai bhul gyi khud ko. Maine dhaal liya apne aapko dusro ke saanche me, take aap khush hojaye. Magar aap khush nhi hui. Pyari mumma, aapko yad raha ke Raja ko kab bhuuk lagi, Raja ne kya khaya, kab khaya, aur khaya ke nhi. Yaha tak ke aapne mujhe bhi ye zimmedari dedi. Raja ka pet bharne ki zimmedari. Raja ko khush rakhne ki zimmedari. Yaha tak ke ab mai sirf aapki nahi, Raja ki bhi ghulam ban gayi. Magar meri mumma, kya aapko mere pet me doudte chuhe dikhe? Kya aapko pata hai mera favourite khana kya hai? Mera fav rang kya hai? Mera fav drink kya hai? Mai nashta me kya khati hu? Maine khaya ya nahi? Aapko to pata bhi nhi hota aur mera roza mukammal hota hai.
Mai ye nhi kehti ke aap buri hain. Aap sahih hai. Aap pyari hai. Bas wo pyar mujhe nhi mila. Jo mera hissa tha wo bhi Raja le gya. Aur ab baari aagyi ke Raja ko bura lage jab mai aapse muskura ke baat na kru, jab mujhe takleef ho. Ab chahe ghalti meri ho ya aapke Raja ki, ya aapke shohar ki, buri mai banti hu. Ghussa mujhpe aata hai. Kyu hai aesa mumma? Kyuki sirf mai hu jo sirf aapke paas hai. Mai humesha aapke paas rahi hun. Maine kabhi aapko khud se dur nhi kiya. Isliye aapko mera ehsaas nahi. Isiliye mai buri hu. To thik hai. Mai buri hi sahih. Mai naafarman hi sahih. Mera rang kala hi sahih. Mera dil patthar hi sahih. Meri zaban nokili hi sahih. Mai aesi hi hun. Mai nahi badal sakti. Jab tak aap apna nazariya nhi badalti.

Safar-e-Adab Letters

The letter I couldn’t send

Some letters are never sent.
Not because they weren’t written, but because they were too heavy, too honest, or too fragile to carry a name.

Safar-e-Adab Letters is a space for those words.

Here, you can write and publish a letter without revealing who you are.
No name. No identity. No trace.

Read this guide to know more